M’amuse

My days start early now. Mr. Man wakes at the crack of dawn, sometimes to run, sometimes to study but always in the grand, loud way he does everything. There isn’t anything subtle about Mr. Man. I cut him slack because, well, because. He’s a man, he can’t help himself. Sexist you say? But of course! I don’t apologize. It is what it is. Did I mention that I’m cranky when I’m sleepy/tired? These involuntary early mornings take some getting used to.

Anyhoo…

This morning I took him to the 6:20 train. It’s a crowded train, crowded with people headed to their jobs in DC and from the looks on their sea of faces, they’d all like to be somewhere else. There was an air of collective discontent. As I looked at their dour faces I thought, “PPPffffttt, government workers.” Then, “That’s not a very nice thought Joelle.”

I drove off but not before narrowly escaping a head-on collision with someone racing into a parking space, hair on fire, trying to make it to the train on time thereby eliciting an expletive rather than a kind thought from my mouth. I again thought to myself, “You know, you could easily succumb to the wintry, grey, cold thought process if you let yourself. Your sour thoughts can take root and grow into one of those unpleasant little spiky weed pod thingies you saw on your run the other day. You might as well dress in black and scowl like the rest of the shlubs you’ve seen this morning. Do you want that?” I won’t tell you what I told myself. In my own defense, I hadn’t had coffee.

I had to get rid of those thoughts so I made coffee, fed the dogs then headed downstairs to create this teeny 2 x 2 watercolor and ink piece, just enough to get it out, not too big to give my grey feelings any further credence. Sounds simple and trite but it worked for me.

Enjoy the day my keiki. Love to all, be good, be brave.

—————-
Now playing: Stevie Wonder – Uptight (Everything’s Alright)
via FoxyTunes

Really, it’s important.

Yesterday I was given a reprieve and I’m eternally grateful because I understand how stupid I have been in the last seven years. On many levels. Although today I’ll address just the one.

I got the results of my mammogram yesterday. It was a clear bill of health but I was expecting something more dramatic. A punishment for waiting so long to have the darn thing perhaps? Actually, that’s exactly what I was expecting. I expected to be punished for being so….chicken s#i@?! Yes I did. Call me superstitious. Or extremely MethoCatholic.

Having watched a good friend go through that nightmare a few years ago did not prompt me to head to the doctor, knowing that my grandmother was a cancer victim and that my mother and aunt both died from an insidious cancer didn’t do the trick either. I did, however, feel a twinge of angst when I learned that my cousin on my mother’s side was diagnosed with breast cancer this past summer. Still, my head remained firmly planted in the sand until a scolding from my general practitioner. God’s wrath in the form of a quiet, gentle MD telling me I was WAY overdue for a simple mammogram. “It’s been how long?! Oh. You’ve never had one. Where do you live?! Oh…well, that’s not too far away is it? No. Hmmm. You can manage the trip to get this done can’t you?!” The shame. Open the damn floor and swallow me already, I felt ridiculously stupid not to mention cowardly.

The next week following my experience with the mammo tech I sat there in the waiting room reading a magazine while I waited for her to read my photos. I was thinking, “She’s going to tell me she needs another shot at the picture taking. She’s going to say she saw a potential problem. She’s going to tell me I have to talk to the doctor.” My palms were sweating and I realized I wasn’t really reading the magazine, I was scanning and I was holding my breath on my way to an anxiety attack.

Lately I cringe when I think of the way I dutifully told my friend that her results were probably a mistake, that she should take a deep breath and think positively. Such platitudes from me really didn’t do anything to calm her panic. I know this now. How could it?! I was truly ignorant about the entire breast cancer issue. Simply running the Susan G Komen race for the cure wasn’t cutting it. I was taking my breasts and my health for granted, me being the big weenie that I am. This needs to change.

My admiration goes out to all those women who have the courage to get to the doctor early on, to those women for whom the results are not so good and yet they face it head-on, to those women who sit with an IV drip every two weeks for an eternity. They’re all braver women than I. I hope to change that in the coming year and it isn’t the guilt talking. I’ve been slapped upside the head. I needed that.

For more information on the ABC’s of breast cancer, click ::HERE::

Love to all. Be good, be brave.

—————-
Now playing: Mychael Danna – House of Widows
via FoxyTunes